Chinese Stories in English
14. She's Showering
14. Stutterer, The
16. Swimming Chicken
17. Taxi, The
18. To Peel an Onion
1. Chewing Gum 口香糖
The airplane was about to land and a stewardess told the passengers, "You can use chewing gum to keep your eardrums from being hurt by the pressure."
One of the passengers came up to the stewardess after the plane landed. "Your suggestion was really a good one," he said. "My ears didn't feel the pressure at all."
"Really," the stewardess replied. "That's great."
"One thing, though," the passenger said. "Can you tell me how to get the gum out of my ears?"
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2. Communal Ownership 公有制
A teacher was being struggled against in a certain community [during the Cultural Revolution] when a woman burst suddenly onto the scene. Everyone recognized her as the teacher's wife. It was an ill-kept secret that she was in an illicit relationship with the head of the Revolutionary Committee.
She shouted an accusation against her husband. "…. He's been opposed to Chairman Mao for a long time, and is anti-Party, and besides, he treats me like I'm his private property…."
Everyone knew that the committee's head had instigated these accusations, but they lacked a suitable opportunity to say anything on the teacher's behalf.
Suddenly a student jumped up onto the stage. "How can we allow this kind of thing to happen in Socialist China? You've got to confess sincerely, and sincerely change your ways! How could you treat your wife as your own personal property?"
"She certainly should be treated as communal property!"
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3. Crying 哭
The zoo's elephant had died, and one of the zookeepers sat by its enclosure crying. The zoo patrons all said that he must have really loved the elephant and couldn't bear its death.
Someone who knew the inside story said: "No, he's the one who's got to dig the grave."
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4. Distance 距离
The warship was in trouble, and the sailors asked the petty officer, "How far to the nearest land?"
"Two nautical miles," he answered.
"Which direction?"
"Down!"
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5. Division of Labor 分工
Old Li was sitting in the shade in front of his home, watching the traffic speed along the highway through the village's fields. It was really a spectacular sight.
After a while he saw a truck come driving along. It stopped by the side of the road and a man got out, dug a hole beside the road and got back in.
After a bit another man got out and filled the hole back in.
The truck moved a little farther ahead. The first man got out again and dug another hole, and after a bit, the second man filled it back in.
It went on like that. The truck would stop every few feet and the men would dig a hole, rest for a bit, then fill it in….
Old Li was completely mystified. He couldn't keep from going up to the men and asking, "What are you guys doing?"
The two workers answered, "Three of us are working on the highway greening plan, but the guy who plants the trees in the holes called in sick today."
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6. Earth Angel 下凡
This is a true story. It happened in a student dorm.
A guy named Hair got himself a new girlfriend. He'd brag about her to everyone he met, saying how beautiful his girl's features were….
One day Hair was sitting alone at his desk, looking at his girl's picture and sighing nonstop. Finally he said, "She's really like an angel come down from Heaven…."
That made his roommate curious. He couldn't resist asking for the picture to take a look at this angel come down to earth. He got himself ready to be dazzled, but after seeing the picture he only had one question:
"This angel come down from Heaven, did she land face first?"
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7. Echo 回音
Dentist (while looking into patient's mouth): "On this tooth you have a large cavity! Large cavity."
Patient (unhappily): "Yes it's a cavity, but you don't have to say it twice."
Dentist: "I only said it once. That was an echo. Was an echo."
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8. Fossil 化石
Students from the Geology Department were doing some fieldwork out in the wilds when one of them happened on a big fossil. Lecturer A said it was a fossilized tree, but Lecturer B insisted it was a leg bone from a dinosaur.
The two of them couldn't stop arguing about it. The students didn't know which one was right, but they did know that both lecturers would grading them on their fieldwork report.
One of the smarter students wrote in his report that what they'd discovered was a dinosaur's wooden leg.
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9. The Latest News 最新消息
The TV news reader had just started his report when someone put a piece of paper in front of him. He picked it up and, out of habit, said:
"And this news just in…."
Then he unfolded the paper and started to read:
"Hey, guy, there's a piece of spinach stuck on your incisor…."
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10. A Lesson in Discipline 管教
They say that in America the restrictions on young people drinking are very severe. You have to be at least 18 before you can go into a bar and buy a drink.
Peter's son had just turned 18 this year. In order to show how enlightened he was, and how much he cared for his son, Peter took the boy to a bar to buy him a drink.
After they'd had a few, it occurred to Peter that there might be a problem if his son couldn't tell when he was getting drunk. Accordingly he said, very seriously, "My boy, did you notice that there are two lights by the door to this place? When the two lights turn into four, that means you've had too much to drink and should go home…."
Would you believe it? His son looked at him doubtfully and said, "But Pa! … What if I only see one light?"
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11. Outta Luck 倒霉
When she got off work, Miss Janie saw a man walking toward her with his hands stretched out in front of him.
"Beggar!" Janie swore at the man and kicked at him.
She heard a crashing sound and the man shouted, "Damn! That's the third piece of glass I've lost on the way home!"
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12. Saving Gas 节省
Neighbor: Something wrong with your car?
Tang Mi: Yeah. I bought a valve that cuts gas usage by thirty percent, a carburetor that saves forty percent on gas, and spark plugs that save fifty percent.
Neighbor: So what happened?
Tang Mi: I took the car out, and after fifteen miles the gas tank overflowed!
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13. Scary America 害怕
On a bus in the U.S….
Two Americans were sitting there chatting when a Chinese guy standing in front of them spit out a gob of phlegm on the floor.
Right away one of the Americans asked, "What's today?"
"Today's Saturday," the other one answered.
All the color drained out of the Chinese guy's face. He turned around and got off the bus. He thought to himself, "America's really scary."
He didn't realize that the two Americans had been speaking English, because what they'd said sounded like the Chinese for:
"What is it for spitting?" 何事吐痰？
"For spitting, it's death!" 吐痰是要杀头的！
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14. She's Showering 她还在洗澡
The daughter was in the kitchen washing the dishes when the phone rang. She picked up and answered the caller, "Mom's probably taking a shower. Please wait a minute while I go check."
She reached over and turned up the hot water, and immediately heard a scream.
She turned down the water and said, "Yes, she's in the shower."
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15. The Stutterer 结巴
A stutterer who wanted to buy a bottle of Coke realized that he only had fifteen Yuan with him, so he asked the store manager how much it would cost.
"S-S-S-S-S-Sir," he asked, "th-th-that b-b-b-b-bottle…."
The manager was too impatient to wait for him to finish. He took the bottle from the shelf and held it out to the man.
"H-H-H-H-How m-m-m-m-m-much?" (He didn't think he needed to say more.)
"Eighteen Yuan."
"O-O-O-…"
The manager got even more impatient and opened the bottle for the guy.
"O-O-Only h-h-h-have f-f-fifteen."
The manager ended up having to drink the bottle himself.
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16. Swimming Chicken 鸡过河
A thief had stolen a chicken and was plucking its feathers beside the river. Just at that moment a policeman happened by. The thief hurriedly threw the chicken into the river.
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What's that in the river?"
"It's a chicken," the thief said. "It wanted to cross to the other side, so I'm holding its clothes…."
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17. The Taxi 计程车
The cabbie was driving very fast. The passenger he was carrying was very nervous and asked him to slow down. The cabbie replied, "Calm down! My big brother drives his cab like this, too. He's driven all of 19 years and never had an accident…."
Later the cabbie started to race with the driver of a sports car that pulled up alongside the cab. The passenger got scared again and asked the cabbie not to race with anyone. The cabbie replied, "Calm down! My big brother drives his cab like this, too. He's driven all of 19 years and never had an accident…."
Still later the cabbie ran several red lights and the passenger got scarred again. He asked the cabbie not to run any more lights, but the cabbie replied, "Calm down! My big brother drives his cab like this, too. He's driven all of 19 years and never had an accident…."
Even later, they came to an intersection. They had the green light, but the cabbie suddenly stepped on the brakes and slowed way down. The passenger asked in amazement, "Why on earth are you stopping now?"
"No, I'm not stopping," the cabbie replied, embarrassed. "I'm just worried my brother might be coming from that direction through the red light."
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18. To Peel an Onion 剥洋葱
Daming hadn't been married very long. One night when his wife was busy in the kitchen fixing dinner, he decided to do a little housework to show his consideration for her. "Honey," he said to his dear wife, "can I do something to help you?"
"You're so clumsy," his wife said, "it better be something easy. Here, peel an onion."
Daming thought that was too easy, but soon after he started he was so choked that his nose was dripping and there were tears in his eyes.
"This really isn't so easy," he thought. He was too embarrassed to ask his wife how to do it, so he phoned his mom for help.
"That's easy," Mom said. "Just peel it under water, that's all."
Daming followed her instructions and finished the job his wife had given him. He felt quite good about it.
Next day Daming phoned his mom. "Your idea was really good, Mom. But, the only thing was, it was really tiring, 'cause I had to keep coming up for air."
To get Chinese text by return email, send name of story to jimmahler1@yahoo.com
笑话百草园 An Herb Garden of Jokes, Page 1
All jokes from http://www.baiyun.net/jokes/Joke_Collection.htm; authorship unattributed
10. Lesson in Discipline, A
11. Outta Luck
12. Saving Gas
13. Scary America
1. Chewing Gum
2. Communal Ownership
3. Crying
4. Distance
5. Division of Labor
6. Earth Angel
7.Echo
8.Fossil
9.Latest News, The