Chinese Stories in English
1. Answer Phone
2. Ass
3. Beggar, The
4. Bravery
5. Drunkard, The
11. Only Boar
12. Real Joke, A
13. Seeing the Doctor
14. Spinning
15. Staying Cool
16. Taiwan Jokes
17. Three Sons
18. Tsinghua Teacher
19. Wants More
20. Eloquence
6. Dumb Crook, A
7. Empathetic
8. Flavor
9. Good Deed, A
10. Ill Intentioned
1. Answering the Phone (听电话)
When Ma Wen walked into the office, his fellow workers noticed in amazement that both his ears were covered by bandages, so they crowded around and asked him about what had happened.
“While I was watching a relay broadcast of a baseball game on TV last night,” he said, “my wife was there doing the ironing. Then she left, and the damn phone rang. With one eye on the game, I picked up the iron and put it up to my ear. As a result….”
“But what happened to the other ear?” a woman co-worker asked.
“You guys’ll never guess. I’d just put the phone down when the son of a gun called again.”
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2. Ass (腚)
Big Wolf had just moved to the big city from the countryside. One day he took the subway headed toward the Forever Placid Gate Station. The car door closed just as he was getting on.
“Attendant,” he shouted, “not so quick with the door. It pinched my ass.”
The ticket-taker said, “That’s just too crude. It’s called a ‘butt’. None of this ‘ass’ stuff.”
Big Wolf was ashamed and didn’t say anything.
After a moment, he got up enough courage to tell the ticket-taker, “I’d like one ticket to Pla-Butt Gate Station, please.”
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3. The Beggar (乞丐)
A beggar wearing sunglasses stood alongside the road. “Madam, do a good deed. My eyes can’t see a thing.”
“If your eyes can’t see anything, how could you have known to call me ‘madam’?”
“My apologies. I’m just substituting for my blind friend this shift.”
Curious, the old lady asked, “And where is your friend?”
“He’s gone to see a movie.”
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4. Bravery and Caution (勇敢和谨慎)
After dinner Tom and his wife sat together on the sofa, chatting idly. “What’s the difference between ‘brave’ and ‘cautious’, dear?” his wife asked.
“Let me explain by giving an example,” Tom said after a moment’s thought. “If someone doesn’t leave any tip after dining in a restaurant, that’s bravery.”
“I understand, but what’s ‘caution’?”
“Caution is choosing another restaurant the next day.”
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5. The Drunkard (醉汉)
A drunk staggered into a store to buy a vase. He saw a cup that had been placed upside down on the counter and picked it up to take a look. Strangely, he asked, “Why’s there no opening on the top of this vase?”
Then he turned the cup over, looked at it and said, “Why isn’t there a bottom, either?”
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6. A Dumb Crook (笨贼)
Recently a certain robber was really hard up for money, so he took a toy gun he’d bought in White Ravine and hurried over to the Northern Post Financial Accounting Office to rob the place.
“Hand over the money,” he shouted at the top of his lungs.
None of the accountants even looked up. “Quitting time! Come back tomorrow!”
Frustrated, the robber left.
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7. Very Empathetic (颇有同感)
An American tourist arrived at his destination in Rome – the “Roman Holiday” Hotel, and was in the process of paying the cabbie. “It only took ten minutes to get here from the airport,” he complained, completely dissatisfied. “So why is the fare so high.”
“This isn’t at all expensive, the cabbie replied in an uncaring tone of voice. “I think you can afford it.”
“I know that,” explained the American,” but there’ll be no end to my wife’s nagging me about it, like I was a criminal or something. You know how Jewish wives are, right?”
The cabbie thought it over for a while without answering. Then he gnashed his teeth and said, “Damn, I think Italian wives are that way, too.”
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8. Flavor (味道)
The language teacher caught Zhang Three sleeping in class. He got pretty mad, so he woke the boy and asked, “Why do you come to class and sleep?”
But Zhang Three wouldn’t admit that he’d been sleeping. “I wasn’t asleep,” he said.
Teacher: “So why did you have your eyes closed?”
Zhang Three: “I was thinking back over the lesson.”
Teacher, in disbelief: “So why did you keep nodding your head?”
Zhang Three: “Your lecture was so good, Teacher.”
Teacher, still not believing: Well, why were you drooling?”
Zhang Three: “Your lecture was so appetizing.”
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9. A Good Deed Every Day (日行一善)
A teacher asked two students: “Have you done a good day for today?”
The two students answered with one voice: “Yes!”
The teacher: “What did you do?”
A student: “We escorted an old lady across the street.”
The teacher: “Oh, that’s great! But why did it take two of you to escort one old lady across the street?”
A Student: “Because the old lady hadn’t intended to cross the street.”
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10. Ill-Intentioned (不怀好意)
A wife was reading a newspaper article out loud with interest: “Statistics show that traffic accidents on the streets have been reduced by half because more and more females advocate new-style, casual clothing like micro-skirts and work shorts.”
That’s when her husband, who was sitting beside her watching TV, brusquely interrupted her: “So why not think of a way to completely eliminate traffic accidents?”
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11. Only the Boar Will Do (要公猪才行)
A student in the village school was late for class. He explained to the teacher that, “I had to put a boar out to stud this morning.”
The teacher asked, “Couldn’t your father do it?”
“No way, it had to be the boar.”
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12. A Real Joke (真实的笑话)
A certain fellow, call him A, looked a lot like Pan An (also known as Pan Yue [247-300], a famously handsome, elegant writer from the Jin Dynasty). A certain other fellow, call him B, had a face covered with bumps. One day they were both speaking with a certain woman.
A said, “B, a fly wouldn’t dare land on your face.”
B asked, “Why not?”
A said, “It’d be afraid of spraining its ankles.”
The woman laughed.
B said, “The fly wouldn’t dare land on your face, either.”
A asked, “Why not?”
B said, “Your face is too slick. It’d be afraid of doing the splits.”
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13. Seeing a Doctor (看病)
My classmate at a certain school caught cold and went to the campus clinic to see a doctor. After examining him closely the doctor said, “It’s appendicitis. We’ve got to get you admitted to the hospital for treatment right away.”
“Doctor, please take another lo….”
“Are you the doctor or am I?”
“You are, you are, but my appendix was taken out the last time I had a cold.”
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14. Spinning It (闪烁其辞)
Two employees of the company were chatting idly by the water cooler. One of them said to the other, “Me and the wife had a spat last night. In the end, I had her kneeling and begging for mercy.”
“What’d she say?”
“She told me to come out from under the bed.”
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15. Staying Cool (镇静)
A hotel caught fire one night. Lots of guests ran outside, but one walked out.
“There was no need for you guys to get all flustered,” he said. “When I heard there was a fire, I remained completely in control of myself. I got out of bed, lit a cigarette and put on my clothes. I decided I’d picked the wrong tie, so I took it off and changed it for another. I wasn’t flustered at all. Whenever something dangerous happens, remember, you must stay cool, stay cool!”
“That’s all well and good,” a friend said, “but why aren’t you wearing any pants?”
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16. Taiwan Jokes (台湾笑话)
1) Man: “I really like you…. I really like you very much…. Can I kiss you?”
Woman: “You should save face.”
Man: “In that case, I’ll only kiss your mouth.”
2) A woman teacher, as sweet as she was young, lived a life of complete austerity. On the invitation of an athletics instructor – someone she adored – she went horseback riding with him on the outskirts of town.
Before long, they took a break under a tree by the side of a lake. After going through a struggle with her conscience, she was finally subdued by the athletics instructor. They enjoyed a moment of intimacy, but then the teacher began to sob.
“If my students find out I’ve done these two evil things,” she said, “how will I ever face them again?”
The man was mystified. “Two things?” he asked.
“Yes, two.” She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “You want to have another go, don’t you?”
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17. Age, Learning and Jokes (年纪学问笑话)
There once was an old xiu cai scholar who had a son in his later years, which made him quite happy. He named the boy “Age”.
In Age’s first year, the scholar’s wife bore another son. He picked the name “Learning” for this boy.
After one more year, the scholar had another son. The scholar thought this was like a joke, so he named his third son “Jokes”.
One day ten-plus years later, the old scholar told his three sons to go up in the hills and cut some firewood. When they got home, he asked his wife, “Our sons, how’d they do?”
She answered, “Age, lots and lots; Learning, none at all; but Jokes, a basketful.”
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18. A Teacher at Tsinghua (清华教师)
A young teacher a Tsinghua University liked to play mahjong. Once he played all night, but he had a class in the morning, so he left the table at 7:30 and hurried to Teaching Building Four for the class.
It happened that the duty student hadn’t yet cleaned the blackboard. The teacher yelled, “Whose deal is it?”
The duty student didn’t dare say anything. He just went up to the front of the class to clean the board. He couldn’t find the eraser, though.
The teacher yelled, “Where’d the blank tile go?”
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19. He Wants to Eat More (他还想吃)
John came home from school with a black eye. When his mother asked what had happened, he answered, “I got in a fight with Bill.”
His mother said compassionately, “Take a piece of cake with you tomorrow. Give it to Bill and tell him you’re sorry.”
The next day John brought an even bigger black eye home with him. “My Lord!” his mother exclaimed in surprise. “Who did such a thing?”
“Bill did it,” John answered. “He wants more cake.”
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20. The Eloquent Patient (病人雄辩)
One day this guy came into the hospital's [outpatient clinic] again. It happened that the people visiting the clinic that day were few and far between.
"Have a seat," the doctor said.
"Why should I sit?" the man asked. "Are you trying to expropriate my right not to sit?"
The doctor was aware of the problems this guy had had before. Not knowing what else to do, he poured the guy a glass of water. "Have a drink," he said.
"That's a one-sided way of talking about the problem, which makes it ridiculous. I can't drink any old water. If you've mixed in potassium cyanide, I absolutely can't drink it."
Really," the doctor said, "I didn't put any poison in there. Relax!"
"Who said you poisoned the water? Are you saying I've made a false accusation against you? Has the Procurator's Office filed an indictment against you for poisoning? I never said you poisoned the water, but you say I said you did. What you've done is more poisonous than poisoning the water!"
At his wits' end, the doctor sighed and changed the subject: "The weather's not bad today."
http://book.soushiti.com/shu/0S12213452015.html, second joke.
This is an edited version of a longer story entitled 《雄辩症》 that can be found here.
To get Chinese text by return email, send name of story to jimmahler1@yahoo.com
笑话百草园 An Herb Garden of Jokes, Page 6
Jokes 1 – 19 from http://www.baiyun.net/jokes/Joke_Collection.htm, Authorship Unattributed
Joke 20 from cited source