7. Lovers
8. Scheme
9. Stamina
10. Stealing Noodles
11. Tricked
12. Vindictive
1. Broken Computer
2. Building a Life
3. Cooking
4. Ditzy Wife
5. Getting Cute
6. In the Beginning
19. Dressing Up
20. Drop in the Ocean
21. Finally a Son
22. False Teeth
23. If You're the One
24. Poison-Tongued Dad
25 - 36. Adam and Eve
13. Wife in Water
14. Adult Ed
15. Banana Republic
16. Basketball Game
17. Consequences
18. Drawing Blood
Chinese Stories in English
Let's Joke, Page 1
Jokes 1-13 are from 笑话吧, http://tieba.baidu.com/p/2959710584;
Jokes 25-36 are from New Stories of Adam and Eve 亚当和夏娃的故事新编, http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_48e632300102ve1b.html;
Sources of remaining jokes as cited. Fannyi apologizes for the misogynistic tone of many of these jokes.
1. Broken Computer
My wife called and said her computer was broken. She wanted me to hurry home to fix it for her. I asked her what was wrong and she said it was prompting her to press F1, but nothing happened when she did.
When I got home, she showed me what was going on. The computer prompt said to press F1. She put one finger on the F key and another on the 1.
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2. Building a Life
Once again, my wife had purchased several bags of clothing. "Honey," I said, "can't you be a little less wasteful? A lot of well-to-do guys start with nothing and have to scrimp and save to build a good life for their families."
"That's right," she replied. "If I didn't spend money like this, how could you claim to have built a good life for your family? I spend money for your benefit, dear."
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3. Cooking
My wife can't cook. She's trying really hard to learn, though. One day she tried making home-style tofu. The flavor was really....
Later on I accidently opened her diary for that day. In it she'd written: "I made home-style tofu for my husband today. Except for the color being a little off, and the flavor being a bit salty, and the bean curd being slightly burned, it really wasn't bad. Keep it up!"
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4. Ditzy Wife
My wife only recently saw [the Rambo movie] First Blood. I told her there was a sequel and that she should search for it on the net.
A half hour later she said angrily that she couldn't find it, so I went over and took a look at her computer. The silly girl was searching for "Second Blood".
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5. "Two Short" Gets Cute
Yesterday I went to Beijing on business. Before I got on the plane I texted my wife, "I'm boarding now".
This wife of mine, who's two cards short of a deck, texted me back, "Long live, long live, long live the Queen!"
["Board a plane" (登机) is a homonym for "ascend the throne" or "become emperor" (登基). Puns don't translate well, and they're even less effective when they have to be explained. Fannyi chose to attempt this one for reasons unclear even to himself. Also, the term translated as "two cards short of a deck" (二货, literally "second [rate] goods") used to be highly derogatory but these days is used somewhat light-heartedly by netizens.]
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6. In the Beginning
Initially, it was my wife who pursued me.
Wife: Say, handsome, you have a girlfriend?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Would you object to trading her in for a new one?
Me: I would.
Wife: Would you object to taking on second one?
Me: .... I wouldn't mind that.
And that's how she became my wife.
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7. The Lovers
The wife and I were watching The Story of Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai, a famous folk tale. When the two lovers turned into butterflies and started dancing to melancholy music, I couldn't help being moved by their astoundingly soul-stirring love.
My wife blurted out, "Are they idiots?"
"Why would you think that?" I asked.
"Butterflies only live seven days," she said, completely serious. "Why would they want to become butterflies just to flit around? If it was up to me, turning into two tortoises would be the perfect ending."
Remembering that "tortoise" is slang for "cuckold," all I could think of to say was, "when you make the change, don't call on me."
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8. The Scheme
My middle-aged wife drove ten minutes to get to my company's lobby and invite me to a [rather expensive] forty Yuan lunch. She put the ten Yuan she got in change in my wallet so I could buy myself some snacks for later, and simultaneously took my paycheck.
That's when I knew it'd been a ruse all along!
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9. Stamina
I was watching TV with my wife when my stomach started to gurgle from hunger.
"You hungry, dear?" she asked.
I nodded my head with feeling.
"Dear," she responded sympathetically, "if you're hungry you should go to bed. Sitting here is a waste of energy."
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10. Stealing Noodles
One evening we were eating noodles in a noodle shop when the electricity went out. "Are you afraid?" I asked.
My wife nodded and said she was.
Like a macho man, I said, "Don't worry, I'm here."
She held on tightly to her bowl. "You being here is the reason I'm afraid," she said. "I'm afraid you'll take advantage of the fact that I can't see to steal the noodles out of my bowl."
Later, sitting there in the dark, I could hear the sound of slurping all around us.
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11. Tricked
I was reading the newspaper in the living room after dinner. I asked my wife, "Have you done the dishes?"
"Dear," she said solemnly, "you should ask, 'Baby, I'll go help you do the dishes, OK?' Then I could say, 'I've already done them, dear.' That would clearly be a better way...."
So I said: "Baby, I'll go help you do the dishes now!"
And she replied, "OK, let's go."
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12. Wife in Water
"Dear, why is it that I feel especially beautiful whenever I've just bathed?" my wife asked.
"Because your brain gets wet."
"Screw you!"
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13. Vindictive
The wife and I had had a disagreement and I was sleeping in the spare room. She took a big pair of scissors and cut a large hole in my mosquito net. "That'll let the mosquitos eat you alive!" she said.
After probably a half hour, she came in with some transparent glue and patched together the mosquito net she'd just cut up! "Be still, my heart!" I thought to myself. "This is so touching. My wife has a sharp tongue but inside she's just an old softie. And she still loves me!"
I was about to say something when she muttered under her breath, "The mosquitos are mostly in there by now. Don't want to let them get out.
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14. Adult Ed
Recommended by Xia Zhi
Two sweet young things were chatting.
A: "I just signed up for an adult education class. I'll never have to worry again that my husband will be too picky about my cooking."
B: "You're really something! Can't you just let me teach you how to cook? You don't have to go to any class."
A: "I signed up for a taekwondo class!"
今古傳奇故事 Legendary Stories New and Old
Sept. 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 43
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15. Banana Republic
The Cultural Department's 2013 budget totaled NT$12,800,000,000. After a Legislative audit, the Legislature cut it by NT$150,000,000. The Secretary of the Cultural Department made no secret of his displeasure at the news. He criticized Taiwan as a "Banana Republic" which has no culture and only exports bananas.
A reporter, completely mystified, asked: "Mr. Secretary, the NT$12,650,000,000 budget that the Legislature did pass, do you plan to use it all to grow bananas?"
讲义（台湾）Handouts Magazine (Taiwan)
Nov. 2013, p. 116, 殷登国Yan Dengguo, Ed.
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16. Basketball Game
Submitted by You You
I was knocked to the floor by one of the opposing players during a basketball game when I was in college.
A co-ed rushed to my side when it happened. "Are you all right," she asked excitedly. "Can you stay in the game?"
I was quite moved and was about to shed a tear when she said with a laugh, "If not, come on out. My boyfriend's been waiting a long time for a chance to get in."
今古傳奇故事Legendary Stories New and Old, Sept. 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 42
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17. Consequences
Unattributed
Little Mao was always lying, which was a real headache for his mother. She finally told him, "If you keep telling lies, your belly will start to get bigger and bigger."
The next day as he was on his way to school, Little Mao saw his pregnant teacher on the street. He quietly ran up to her and said, "I know why your belly's getting big, but don't worry, I won't tell the other students."
讲义（台湾）Handouts Magazine (Taiwan)
Nov. 2013, p. 117, 殷登国Yan Dengguo, Ed.
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18. Drawing Blood
Recommended by You You
I was in a hospital one day, waiting for the results of a blood test, when I saw a four or five-year-old girl being brought in by her father to have some blood drawn. "Please, Nurse," she said, crying, "I don't want to get stuck with a needle."
"But we have to," said the nurse.
"But I never did anything to you," the girl shouted, "so why are you doing this to me?"
今古傳奇故事 Legendary Stories New and Old
Sept. 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, p. 43
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19. Dressing Up
Unattributed
At night my stomach suddenly started to hurt. "Hurry," I called out to my husband, "let's get to the hospital! It's coming!"
My husband rolled out of bed and ran into the bathroom right away. He got out his razor and started shaving.
I was feeling rushed. "You haven't got things ready for my hospital stay, but you can still think about shaving?"
I didn't expect my dumb cluck husband's reply. "I'm going to meet my child, soon," he said excitedly, "so I'm getting dressed up."
http://55txt.net/bbs/html/view_60725_3.html
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20. A Drop in the Ocean
From Laugh Club, Hosted by Hobbyhorse
Hobbyhorse has an Internet girlfriend, rather full-figured but still all right. Recently for some reason she said she wanted to lose some weight – her goal was to weigh 85 pounds! Good girl! She wanted to lose twenty pounds of flesh!
This was painful for me to see! Early one morning she sent a picture: "Last night I didn't eat dinner and this morning I've lost 300 grams!"
"It's because you haven't put on your make-up, yet," I muttered, sitting in front of the computer.
Another photo jumped onto my computer during the lunch break. "I didn't eat breakfast this morning, just a tomato, and I'm down another 300 grams!"
I shook my head, not knowing what to say. "It's because you haven't had your coffee, yet," I thought.
That evening....
A week later a bunch of us went swimming. She came along, too. She stood under a willow tree, giggling flirtaciously, and said, "I've stuck to my diet for a week and lost a pound and a half. How about it, aren't I slender?"
I didn't say anything. I walked over to the lake and scooped up some water in a mineral water bottle. "There's one less bottle of water in the lake, now. Can you tell the difference, girl?"
Translated from 分节阅读, also available at http://www.xzbu.com/5/view-4471969.htm
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21. False Teeth
Xie Junior spent big bucks to get a set of false teeth for his dad, who was in his seventies. After his dad had tried them out for a few days, Junior asked him, "How is it, now that you've been fitted for false teeth?"
"It's great," the old man said. "Now I can whistle while I brush my teeth."
讲义（台湾）Handouts Magazine (Taiwan)
Nov. 2013, p. 116, 殷登国Yan Dengguo, Ed.
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22. Finally a Son
Unattributed
Yesterday I was keeping a friend company in the hospital while he waited for his wife to give birth.
He was pacing back and forth nervously in the corridor outside the door when a young nurse ran out and said happily to him, "Congratulations, sir, it's a father! You're a boy!"
"Ha, ha, ha," my friend laughed excitedly. "I'm a son at last!"
Shocked as I was, all I could do was pretend not to know this pair of weirdoes.
http://55txt.net/bbs/html/view_60725_3.html
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23. If You Are the One
Unattributed
[Background: If You Are the One is a popular dating game show on Chinese TV. A group of men appear before a panel of women contestants and answer their questions. Each woman switches off lights representing men she is not interested in. The Party ordered changes in the show in 2010 when the censors noticed that the women were always selecting the men with the most money. Incidentally, the title's translation is the one used by Chinese TV. A more literal translation would be "Don't Bother Me if You're Not Serious", which is probably funnier than the following joke. ]
I was watching If You Are the One with my parents. During the show I asked them, "If I went [on that show], would I bring home one [of the girls]?"
Mom said, "I figure all [your] lights would be turned off in the first round."
Dad said, "You'd better take a couple of lanterns with you. I'm afraid that, otherwise, when you walked on stage all the lights in the whole studio would go out."
http://55txt.net/bbs/html/view_60725_3.html
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24. Poison-Tongued Dad
Anonymous
The first time I brought my boyfriend home, I said to my dad, "Dad, this is my boyfriend."
"Geez, your mother would be so disappointed," he said with a sigh. "How did you get hooked up with someone like this?"
"How can you be so rude, Dad," I responded angrily.
He harrumphed. "I wasn't talking to you...."
http://55txt.net/bbs/html/view_60725_3.html
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25. Adam was late getting home one evening. Eve was seized by a fit of jealousy and suspected him of infidelity.
"You're nuts! There’s only you and me on this whole earth,” Adam explained, “so how could I betray you?"
It was night. Adam was awakened from his dreams by Eve massaging his chest and waist carefully and conscientiously.
"What are you doing, dear?" he queried.
“I’m counting your ribs,” Eve answered seriously.
26. God looked over the earth after he finished creating it. The mountains towered above it, rivers and lakes lay all across it, dense forests carpeted the ground, and grasslands stretched endlessly to the horizon. "It’s so beautiful!” God said happily.
Then God created the animals in their numbers, and again he was satisfied. "So pretty!"
Next God created Adam. After looking him over he decided, “Not bad. So handsome!"
At this point, God picked up Adam and took one of his ribs to create Eve. God looked at her carefully, then sighed and said, "After she gets some makeup on...."
27. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Chinese and a Russian were arguing about Adam’s and Eve’s nationality.
"Adam and Eve were definitely English,” the Englishman claimed, “because only an English gentleman would give a woman half the apple."
The Frenchman argued, "They must have been French, because only a French woman would show herself for half an apple."
The Chinese man’s position was, "They were certainly Chinese, because only two Chinese people could have the descendants to populate the entire world."
The Russian had the last word. "They were Russians, and that’s all there is to it. Only Russians could sit naked on a rock, with nothing but an apple for the two of them to eat, but still believe they’re in heaven.”
28. "Why do so many people in the world oppose cloning humans?"
"Past failure serves as a lesson."
"What failure?"
"Eve was created from Adam's rib."
29. Adam and Eve were strolling in the Garden of Eden.
"Do you love me?" Eve asked as they walked.
"What else can I do?" Adam answered helplessly.
30. Eve said to Adam, "You should hang a commemorative plaque on the fruit tree where we first met that year.”
"I think I should hang a warning sign...." Adam replied meaningfully.
31. Adam and Eve must have had the most ideal marriage, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
32. Eve was tempted by the snake to steal the forbidden fruit and eat it. Afterwards she screamed in a panic: "God! How come I'm not wearing a stitch of clothing? What can I do? Shouldn't I use something to keep myself covered?"
Just then the snake crawled over and said with a smile, "Dear lady, please allow me to introduce to you this line of women's underwear from my company. Please take a look. These are the panties, and here's the bra...."
So one of the principles of marketing is: "Make every effort to create demand.
33. A father was telling his son the story of Adam and Eve. He said, "Ever since Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, mankind has had to die."
"Daddy, I know why they died," the little boy said, interrupting his father.
"And why is that?"
"Because they forgot to wash up when they ate."
34. "Adam and Eve must have been expelled from Eden on Monday."
"Why do you think that?"
"Because, since then, there's never been a good Monday."
35. A snake was crying sadly by the roadside. A crowd of animals came up and asked it why. Sobbing, the snake said, "I really regret inciting Adam and Eve to steal that apple and eat it."
"Why?" The crowd of animals was still puzzled.
"Ever since they ate the forbidden fruit and got kicked out of Eden, Eve has wanted snakeskin belts, snakeskin wallets, snakeskin bags…!"
36. [Online only] After Adam woke up in the morning, he noticed that something about his body felt different. He rubbed his chest without thinking much about it, and was so shocked his face lost all color. "God!" he shouted, "where're my ribs?"
A booming voice answered him. "You yourself wished for a group of girls last night, didn't you?"
2015年中国幽默作品精选，关河悦选编，第272页
The Best of Chinese Humorous Writings, 2015, Guan Heyue, Anthologist, p. 272
Compiled by Li Dongmei (李冬梅编译)
To get Chinese text by return email, send name of story to jimmahler1@yahoo.com