Chinese Stories in English
1. Between Spouses
2. Borrowed Knife
3. Bring the Winner
4. Buying Instruments
5. Can't See It
6. Cheap Enough
1. Between Spouses
When Mr. Shoen got home from work, his wife was cleaning house dressed in worn-out old clothes. "Is that how you dress to welcome your husband home after a long, hard day at work?" he asked, quite unhappy.
The Shoens' next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, happened to overhear what he said. It gave her an idea. She went to her closet right away and selected what she believed was her most beautiful set of clothes. She changed into them and carefully applied her makeup. Mr. Brown arrived home a bit later. When he saw how his wife was dressed, he angrily exclaimed, "God Almighty, you want to go gallivanting around somewhere this late in the day?"
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2. Murder with a Borrowed Knife
At the conclusion of the talented magician's performance, a man in the back of the theater shouted at him, "Can you tell me how you do those things?"
"I could tell you," the magician replied, "but then I'd have to kill you."
The theater went silent, and then the man shouted, "In that case, can you tell my wife?"
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3. Bring the Winner
A customer in a restaurant said to the waiter, "Look, this lobster doesn't have any feelers."
"It got in a fight with another lobster in the kitchen," the waiter explained, "and its feelers got bitten off."
"In that case," the customer said, "please take this lobster back and bring me the winner."
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4. Buying Instruments
A drunk staggered into a music store. "I want this red trumpet," he said to the clerk, "and that white accordion."
"I'm sorry, sir," said the clerk, trying to keep from laughing. "This is a fire extinguisher, and that's a radiator for steam heat in the shop."
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5. Can't See It
Little Liu got something in his eye and asked Big Liu to have a look.
"It's in your eye," Big Liu said impatiently. "If you can't see it, no one else can, either."
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6. Cheap Enough
A customer came into a restaurant for breakfast. The server brought him a fried egg on a plate. The price was 50 American cents.
He thought that was too expensive and told the server to take them back.
"Sir, don't take such a simple view of things." The server patiently explained, "You should know that a hen had to work an entire day to produce this egg. Fifty cents American is already cheap enough."
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7. A Clean Glass
Three men came into a restaurant. The first one said, "Gimme a beer."
"Me, too," the second one said.
"I want a beer, too, but in a clean glass."
When the server brought the drinks over, he looked at the three men and asked, "Which one wanted the clean glass?"
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8. Clothing Change
His wife tried on several sets of clothes before going out, and complained about all of them. "What's going on?" she asked. "These clothes used to fit perfectly, how come I look like a stuffed dumpling when I put them on now?"
Her husband glanced at her. "My dear," he said, "the problem is the stuffing, not the wrapper."
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9. Double-Decker Bus
A foreigner was on his first trip to Hong Kong. One day he got on a double-decker bus.
As the foreigner was getting on, the driver invited him to sit on the upper deck, so he went on up. He came back down a moment later, though. He was a little miffed and said, "Don't play games with me. There's no driver up there."
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10. Early to Bed, Early to Rise
Two co-workers met on the street.
"Hey, Peter," one said to the other. "You don't look so good today. What's the matter?"
"I went out last night," the other replied, "and didn't get home until it was starting to get light outside. My wife woke up just when I was taking off my shirt. She asked me how come I was getting up so early. I had to go with the flow. I put my shirt back on and went in to work."
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11. A Gentleman's Revenge
John and a blind man with a seeing-eye dog on a leash were waiting together to cross the street.
When the light turned green, John observed that the dog didn't lead the blind man across the street. Instead, it pissed on the man's heel. The man seemed not to care, and, giggling, took a biscuit from his pocket and fed it to the dog.
John thought that was quite interesting. "You're an all right guy," he said to the blind man. "If it were me, I'd have given it a swift kick in the butt."
"Yes, I'm going to do that," the man answered at a leisurely pace, "but first I have to figure out which end is its head."
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12. A Genuine Con Artist
A man was sitting in a bar with a friend. "My wife's a con artist," he said angrily.
"What makes you say that?" his friend inquired.
She didn't come home last night. When I asked her where she was, she said she spent the whole night with her sister, Aili."
"Was that true?" the friend asked.
"She was conning me," the husband answered." Last night I spent the whole night with Aili."
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13. He Got His Wish
While enjoying an oil painting in a fine arts museum, a gentleman sat down and exclaimed in praise, "A work of such extraordinary talent."
He whispered to the artist, who was standing to one side, "I wish I could take those marvelous colors home with me."
"You'll get your wish," the artist replied. "You're sitting on my palette."
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14. Later Generations Pay
A sign in front of a restaurant said, "Whosoever eats here may have posterity pay the bill."
A customer was tickled pink when he saw the sign. He went in early and ordered an exquisite meal with a bottle of expensive brandy.
When he got up to leave, filled with good food and drink, the server presented him with the bill.
He pointed to the sign. "Doesn't it say that our descendants will pay cost?"
"Yes, sir. You have to pay your great-grandfather's bill."
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15. One-Legged-Chicken
The server was hustling and bustling, busy as a bee, when the guest rushed up to him and hollered, "What's going on here? This chicken I ordered only has one leg!"
Well, sir," the server replied, "are you going to eat it or dance with it?"
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16. Only One
A customer in a restaurant politely asked, "Waiter, tell me, is this tossed salad for two people?"
"Yes, sir," the waiter replied. "It surely is."
The customer maintained his courteous manner. "Oh, I see," he said. "Well then, why is there only one fly?"
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17. Ordering Roast Duck
The customer was waiting for his order to be brought to the table.
He finally got tired of waiting, so he went over to the waiters' station. "Waiter, how much longer until I get the roast duck I ordered?"
The waiter answered, "You'll have to wait until someone else orders the same thing."
"Why?" The customer asked.
"Because you only ordered a half duck."
[Fannyi's Comment – For my first meal in a Liuzhou restaurant, I ordered a stewed chicken dish. After about ten minutes, the waitress came out from the kitchen and apologized for keeping me waiting. She explained that the cook had to go out back to "kill my chicken."]
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18. Pity Me
A businessman was taking a stroll in a park when a man suddenly appeared in front of him.
"Please take pity on me, sir," the man said, "and give me some money. I lost my job.... Now I'm unemployed and broke, with a parent, a wife and two kids at home. I've got nothing left at all... except... this gun."
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19. Rainy Day Worries
Two office workers were tidying up as they got ready to go home for the day. One looked out the window and said, "Damn! It's going to rain cats and dogs, and my wife doesn't have her umbrella."
"Don't worry," the other said, "I think she'll probably go in the department store to avoid the storm."
The first one looked miserable. "That's exactly what I'm afraid of," he wailed.
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20. Regulations
Two modern girls were taking a walk by a lake. The weather was rather warm, so they decided to take a dip in the lake to cool off.
They had just taken off their clothes and were about to get in the water when, all of a sudden, they heard a young man yell, "Sorry, girls, swimming isn't permitted in the lake."
"Why didn't you say something sooner," the girls asked unhappily.
"Well, girls," the young man asserted, "there's no rule against taking your clothes off here."
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21. Same as Above
The husband was in the middle of writing an essay and was really concentrating hard. His wife suddenly sneezed beside him. "Bless you," he said, with good humor.
After a bit, she had to sneeze again.
"Ibid," he said.
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22. Seeing Drunks Off
A hotel doorman called a cab late one night and helped the driver get three dead-drunk dinner guests seated peacefully in the back of the cab.
"Please remember," he said to the cabby, "take the guest on the right to No. 12 Minsk Avenue; take the guest in the middle to No. 35 Levee Road; and take the guest on the left to No. 20 Maple Forest Street. Many thanks."
The cab left but came back after about a quarter of an hour.
The cabby searched out the doorman and, somewhat embarrassed, told him: "As I was passing an intersection just now I had an emergency and had to slam on the brakes, and it messed things up. The three passengers slid onto the floor and got all jumbled together...."
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23. Stuck Like Glue
"How did it go this summer," Igor asked his coworker, who had just returned from vacation.
"It was fantastic! I met all kinds of pretty women at the resort. I can let you see the pictures, if you'd like."
When Igor looked at the group photo of those women, he was shocked half out of his mind, because right there among them was his wife!
"What was this woman like?" he asked, pointing to his wife, not without a bit of trepidation.
His coworker sighed with regret. "Ah, I didn't get a chance to hook up with that pretty lady. She wouldn't even look at other men. She spent the whole time stuck like glue to her husband."
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24. That's How It Is
The father came home drunk and fell right asleep.
After he'd slept for a while, he sat up all of a sudden and muttered, "Water, water!"
His son brought him a bowl of water. The father took it and drank it down in one gulp. Then he immediately began clawing at the wall with his hands. After a moment he went back to sleep.
A while later the father sat up again and shouted that he wanted some water to drink. His son poured him another bowl and, after drinking it, the father once again scraped wildly at the wall.
The son was very curious as to why his father was doing that, so he poured himself a bowl and drank it down in one gulp, just as his father had.
To his surprise, the son also started clawing at the wall. "Oh, mother," he exclaimed, "that's scalding hot!"
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7. Clean Glass
8. Clothing Change
9. Double-Decker Bus
10. Early to Bed
11. Gentleman's Revenge
12. Genuine Con Artist
19. Rainy Day Worries
20. Regulations
21. Same as Above
22. Seeing Drunks Off
23. Stuck Like Glue
24. That's How It Is
13. Got His Wish
14. Later Generations Pay
15. One-Legged Chicken
16. Only One
17. Ordering Roast Duck
18. Pity Me
Little Jokes, Page 1
All these jokes were published, authorship unattributed, in: Great Originality in Little Jokes, pp. 1-13
《 小笑话大创意》上海绵绣文章出版社，上海故事会文化传媒有限公司