1. The Replacement
by Yao Yao
A young man went to a store to buy something, but when he got inside, he saw the shopkeeper beating his son. The boy was in such pain that he was bawling, "ow, ow", so the young man grabbed the shopkeeper's hand right away.
"The boy's still little," he pleaded. "What could he have done that's so terrible? You're being too cruel."
The shopkeeper, out of breath, answered at once. "This little brat really blew it. I've been wondering why business here has been so bad lately, and it turns out it's his fault!"
The young man didn't believe it. "What could a little kid be capable of doing that would hurt your business?"
"Without anyone knowing it," the shopkeeper replied, "he took my god of wealth and traded it for an Ultraman toy, and I've been praying to it for a whole week!"
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2. Proud Too Soon
by Hu Mingming
At the produce market, a middle-aged woman selected a lot of vegetables to buy. She totaled the prices in her head right away, and then waited while the vendor used a calculator to add them up. When she compared the results, to her surprise there wasn't a penny's difference with her total.
The woman was quite proud of herself. She handed over the money and started to stride out of the market, her head held high.
All of a sudden, the vendor came running up behind her, huffing and puffing. The woman smiled coldly. "What're you doing? I didn't short you."
The vendor just shook his head and handed a bag of vegetables to the woman. "Ma'am, you forgot to take your purchases."
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3. The Finishing Brushstrokes
by Goodie
Painting a ceramic pitcher in art class, the teacher inspired everyone to make their sketches as much like an antique as possible. One of the students felt especially good about himself after he finished his painting. He kept turning this way and that to look at the painting of the other student at his table, and laughing at him as he looked. "Take a look at what I painted. One look and you'll feel that the pitcher is really valuable. Then look at what you painted. One look tells you it's only worth a few bucks."
The other student was deep in thought for a while. Then he picked up his brush and added some ancient pictographs on the pitcher he'd painted.
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4. Self-Reliant
by A-Bu
A son took his father on a trip overseas. When they were shopping in a night market, the old man saw a handicraft item he liked. The price was fifty Euros.
The son wanted to bargain for it, but the old man had confidence in himself. "Watch me," he said.
At first the old man didn't say anything. He just smiled at the vendor and shook his head. The vendor immediately lowered the price to thirty Euros.
The old man shrugged his shoulders, cool as a cucumber. The vendor quickly lowered the price to twenty Euros. Believe it or not, to his son's surprise the old man turned to walk away. The vendor followed after him at once and said he would take ten Euros.
At this point the son had to praise his father. "Seems like you can understand their language."
The father laughed. "How could I understand that foreign language? Almost, though. You can translate for me. What was the last price he offered?"
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5. What's the Problem?
By Yang Yang
A wife had just come back from a trip and was busy arraigning her photos.
As she sorted them, she started complaining to her husband. "I used to be really photogenic. How can I be getting less and less good-looking? Tell me, dear, am I getting ugly?"
The husband looked at her, then looked at the photos, and then said sincerely, "Don't worry, you haven't gotten ugly."
The wife calmed down when she heard that, but then the husband unexpectedly added a thought. "I think the problem is with the camera. Didn't it occur to you that, as the technology improves, your pictures become clearer?"
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6. Payment
by Liu Zhizhi
An addle-headed young fellow went into a café and ordered a tableful of dishes.
He made a clean sweep of all the food. Afterwards, he reached into his pocket and discovered that he hadn't actually brought his wallet with him. He searched all his pockets and found only a one-Yuan coin.
He was extremely embarrassed. Luckily, though, he often ate in this place and could be considered familiar with the boss.
He respectfully handed the one-Yuan coin to the boss. The boss, mystified, asked "What's the meaning of this?"
The young man's face flushed bright red. "It's…. It's a down payment," he stammered.
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7. Washing Clothes
by Gu Li
Late at night on a weekend, the security guard was doing his rounds in the dormitory when he saw a male student in the washroom scrubbing clothes in a plastic basin with all his might. "This kid is really hard-working," the guard thought to himself.
When he'd walked through the whole building and come back to the washroom, he noticed that the student was still washing clothes, and scrubbing so hard he was sweating. It was a different basin of clothes, though.
The guard couldn't resist going up and patting the student on the shoulder. "Washing two basins at one time, that's a lot of work," he said, praising the kid.
Would you believe? The kid looked up with a sorrowful expression on his face and said, "I don't know what bastard left his laundry here to soak, but I washed his first by mistake…."
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8. One Gaffe after Another
by Cap Collection
Early one morning, a boy in junior high fired off a question to his desk-mate. "How about it? That love letter I gave you yesterday to give to your big sister – what did she say when she read it?"
"My sister?" his desk-mate answered drily. "She wasn't home, so I gave it to my Pa."
When he heard that, the first student broke into a cold sweat from fear. "Well… what did your Pa say?" he asked timidly.
"My Pa?" his desk-mate answered. "He was really mad, of course. He told me to give it back to you."
The first student sighed with relief. "Well, where is it?"
"Oh, you weren't home yesterday, so I gave it to your Pa."
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9. Wrong Step
by Jiao Lu
One day a wife got a hurried phone call from her husband. "Bring three hundred Yuan to the market across from our place. Hurry!"
The wife laughed coldly. "Tell me, what kind of trouble are you in now?"
"I… I stepped on a scale to weigh myself and broke the thing," her husband stammered. "I've gotta pay for it."
The wife got angry when she heard that. "You can break a scale just from being that heavy? There must have been something wrong with the store's scale. I'm not gunna [bring you any money]!"
The husband hemmed and hawed. "Cool down, honey. Yes, I did break it by stepping on it. I thought it was a scale and stepped on… the store's electronic oven…."
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10. Exchanging Thoughts
by Brave Boy
A son went to his parent's home for dinner one weekend. When he'd finished eating, he went and plopped down on the sofa and started to play a game.
His mother noted how lazy he was and thought it was really just too unseemly, so she told him to take the garbage out.
Who would've figured? Her son not only didn't move, he pointed at his father sitting beside him and muttered, "Your husband's useless, so you use somebody else's husband."
Without thinking, the mother looked askance at her son and responded right away, "So what am I supposed to do? If my son is useless, use somebody else's son?"
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11. Send via Duck
by Fist
[This is a pun. It makes no sense in English. We include it here solely for language learners – Fannyi]
Once upon a time, there was pair of lovers who gazed at one another, separated by a river. The boy liked to write poetry, and whenever he finished one, he'd twist the paper up in a duck's feathers. He'd have the duck swim over to the far shore and give it to the girl for her to enjoy.
A friend got tired of watching him and made a suggestion. "The duck swims so slow. Wouldn't it be quicker to use a carrier pigeon?"
The boy shook his head and deliberately said, "She told me that when I write poetry, it has to rhyme!" [押韵 rhyme / 鸭运 be sent via duck.]
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12. A Different Situation
by Wang He
A son bought his mother a smart washing machine and patiently explained to her how to use it. However, his mother couldn't even remember how to turn the machine on. Every few days she'd have to call her son to ask.
A short while later, the son also sent his mother an automated mahjong table. He was worried she wouldn't be able to use it, so he called her and asked, "Is that mahjong table easy to use, Mom?"
"Ah, let's not talk about that," his mother answered quickly. "The tiles kept getting caught in it and the thing would die. As a matter of fact, I just finished stripping the top off of it and readjusting the track it rotates on. I used calipers to calibrate the track and then reassembled it. Now it's finally easy operate."
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13. Exactly Alike
by Zhang Xiaoma
A husband and wife were watching the TV program "Reflecting Treasures" [the Chinese equivalent of "Antiques Roadshow"]. An expert came on holding a magnifying glass in his hand and closely examined a coin. "That's the same as mine," the wife said.
Later the expert announced a startling value. When the husband heard it, he got extremely excited. In a voice rather different from normal, he asked his wife, "Is it really the same as yours?"
The wife looked her husband up and down with a strange expression on her face. "Yes, it is," she said calmly. "The magnifying glass the expert's using is just like mine."
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14. After the Wedding
by Shi Zhipeng
"How does it feel now that you're married," a young fellow asked his friend.
"It's awful," the friend answered disconsolately. "I don't even rank as high as my wife's cell phone."
The first fellow was curious. "Why's that?"
"When she's on the phone, she can still act cute and make goo-goo eyes and all that stuff," his friend said, "but I don't get anything that good."
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15. Grown-Up Son
by Wang Xuan
Every month Old Liu gave his entire salary to his wife and only got a little spending money back from her. Towards the end of one month, some friends called and said they were having a get-together. Old Liu felt in his pocket and discovered it was completely empty.
At the same time, his son said, "Mom, the school wants a hundred-Yuan materials fee. Let me have the hundred Yuan." Old Liu's wife gave him the money without saying a word.
After his mother went out somewhere, the boy stuffed the money into Old Liu's hand. "Pop," he said earnestly, "count this as a loan. After I get married and I'm broke, you'll have to help me out…."
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16. Send to Friends
by Pan Guangxian
Little Red was out shopping with a coworker when a glob of bird poo landed on her hand. Her coworker saw it and immediately reached into her purse and rummaged around for something. Little Red was moved, but then was surprised when her coworker fished out her cell phone.
"Don't move, don't move," the coworker said. "This is so improbable, lemme take a picture to send to my friends!"
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17. Who's the Parent
by Wu Yao
A student was filling out a form. "Teacher," he asked, "For the 'first and last names of parent', should I put my mother's or my father's."
"You should write in the name of whoever talks the loudest at home," the teacher answered.
"Well," the student said to himself, "so I'll write in my own name."
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18. No Con
by Zhou Jihong
A young fellow came into a bank and told the teller he wanted to transfer some money into another person's account.
The teller asked the fellow if he knew the other person and the fellow said of course he did, it was his wife.
The teller nodded and said, "Oh, then you can be sure it's not a swindle."
The fellow sighed and said, "She's already cheated me out of so much, I won't miss this little bit of money…."
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19. Keep Laughing and Relax
by Wen Yun
Two young lovers were having a spat. "You're all take and no give," the boy said rudely. "Really, aren't you ashamed of yourself?"
His girlfriend didn't take it laying down, not in the least. "Why don't you take a look at yourself? What kind of man never succeeds at anything and never tries to get ahead, like you?"
"All right, since you think I'm so bad, and I feel the same about you, we might as well…."
The girl looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "Might as well what?"
"Might as well put up with each other for the rest of our lives, so we don't make life hell for anyone else."
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20. Physics Phenomenon
by Zhang Shuibei
In class the physics professor is lecturing about inertia. "A car is speeding down the highway. Suddenly the driver sees a dog crossing the road, so he stomps on the brakes. When he does, the bodies of all the people in the car will lean forward. What phenomenon of physics is this?"
"It's that people are curious," one student answers. "They all want to see if the dog gets hit by the car or not. It belongs to the 'ogling' category of phenomenon."
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21. Speak Plainly
by Kuang Tianlong
Wife: "I'm sick."
Husband: "Where does it hurt?"
W: "The temperature is making me feel anxious, I'm fidgety, I'm completely discombobulated and nothing looks good to me."
H: "Can you be a little clearer?"
W: "The season's changing and I want to buy some new clothes."
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22. A Husband's Qualms
by Zhao Hongxiang
Husband: "Honey, there's something I want to talk to you about."
Wife: "Go ahead."
H: "Stop using my money to support some other man, OK?"
W: "I've never done that!"
H: "That business tycoon Jack Ma from the Alibaba Group, you've given him a lot of money, haven't you?"
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23. A Gesture
by Bamboo Conversation
Two military units were in a battle. A private came running into the camp, panting heavily, and stuck up two fingers towards the Chief of Staff.
The officer looked at this "V" gesture and asked, "Using my strategy, have we achieved a victory so quickly?"
The private answered anxiously, "In your dreams! We're the only two left! Run!"
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24. How Do I Describe You
by Zhang Rui
[This is a pun which makes no sense in English. We translate it here solely for the benefit of language learners – Fannyi]
Young Liu and a female coworker were chatting. "I think you can be described by comparison to an object," his coworker said.
"What object?" he asked.
"A candle," she replied.
"You're trying to say that I'm a warm fellow, right?"
"No. You've been a light stick all these years, and occasionally you're a light bulb. [A 'light stick' 光棍儿 is a bachelor, and a 'light bulb' 电灯泡 is a third wheel.]
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25. Change the Sentence
by Zhou Jihong
Our teacher in Language class wrote on the blackboard, "Little Red is my friend," and asked us to revise the sentence by changing the word order. We could not add or subtract words [but could alter the grammatical case if necessary].
One student said, "Teacher, there are different ways to change the sentence depending on the criterion used."
"OK, tell us," the teacher said expectantly.
The student replied eloquently. "The usual answer would be, 'My friend is Little Red'; 'Friend, Little Red is mine', is a domineering answer; 'Little friend, I am red,' is an imaginative answer; And the narcissist's answer would be 'My little friend is me.'"
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26. In Business
by Shi Zhipeng
My younger cousin's grades are really good. Every day when he finishes his homework, he has his parents check it over and guarantee that the answers are more than 95% correct. His parents are proud of him.
Once at a family meeting, my older cousin asked him with genuine curiosity, "Why do you work so hard?"
"The other students copy my homework," my younger cousin answered calmly and coolly. "Five Yuan per day, or a flat 120 per month, no payment required if the rate of correct answers is too low."
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27. Unpaid Furlough
by Pan Ye
The husband hadn't received his allowance for the month, so he went to his wife to reason with her.
"Did you forget?" he asked unhappily. "You haven't yet given me my pocket money for the month."
"I didn't forget," the wife said with a smile. "I'm not satisfied with the housework you've been doing, so I made some deductions."
The husband wasn't about to put up with that. "You're dissatisfied, so I don't get my pocket money? What kind of rule is that?"
Remarkably the wife, sure she was in the right, said "It's called an unpaid furlough…."
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28. He Thinks He's Clever
by Crouching Dragon
A husband and wife were at home watching television on the weekend. The husband wanted to watch a badminton match, but the wife took possession of the remote control and started watching a drama with famous stars in it.
After thinking it over, the husband downloaded some software on his cell phone. Using it, no matter what station the wife was watching, the husband could surreptitiously switch to the sports channel.
The wife didn't know what was going on. She thought the TV was broken and nothing could be done about it. She had no choice but to watch the match with her husband. This made him feel pretty proud of himself.
Next day, as soon as the husband got home, the wife announced, "The TV's fixed, dear! It won't switch channels by itself any more. The repairman wanted five hundred Yuan, but I only gave him three hundred."
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29. Mental Preparation
by Mu Wen
Young Song and his wife had a spat one morning. When he got home from work that evening, he found that his wife had locked him out. He stood there yelling for a long time, but she wouldn't open the door.
Just then a deliveryman showed up with an express delivery. Believe it or not, he stood there yelling for a long time, too, and the door still didn't open.
The deliveryman pursed his lips and told Young Song, "You got to get your mind ready for this, bro!"
Young Song gave him a quizzical look and asked him why.
"According to my many years of experience in this business," the deliveryman said, "if a woman won't open the door even to accept an express delivery, odds are you'll have to find another place to sleep tonight."
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30. Who's Rich
by Li Yungui
Old Ma and a friend went to a savings and loan on business. When they arrived at the door, they saw seven or eight sedans parked in front, as well as seven or eight bicycles. "Look," said Old Ma, "these people who drive here in sedans really have some bucks!"
His friend shook his head and laughed. He said, "Don't you know? The ones who drove here all came to get loans. It's only the ones who rode their bicycles that are here to make deposits. So who are the ones with money, after all?"
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31. The Witness
by Zhou Gong
James was a witness in a criminal trial and the police had assigned bodyguards to him. He was really worried. Except for his wife, he didn't tell anyone about it. He didn't even tell his brother until several days later, after the criminal had been put away.
His brother wasn't happy. "You mean to tell me," he said, "you didn't let the police know you have a twin brother living next door?"
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32. Preparing for a Rainy Day
by Sauce Member
A sister noticed that her little brother had changed recently. He didn't play games or watch TV, and he went to bed early every evening. She was curious and asked him about it.
Her brother answered with complete sincerity. "I've got mid-terms coming up pretty soon, and I've got to save my eyes. I'm afraid that, otherwise, I won't be able to see the answers clearly when I copy my neighbor's test paper."
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33. Not Miss a Trick
by Mei Zhi'ao
Young Wang was chatting with a friend one day when all of a sudden she got a text message. She glanced at it and said, "Banks these days are really sharp. They just don't miss a trick."
Her friend didn't understand, so she explained, "At the end of the month when there's no money in my account, the note at the bottom of their text messages says, 'Fast, Low-Interest Loans'; but as soon as I get my salary, the ad changes to 'Purchase Stock Funds as Low as One Yuan'…."
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34. All the Same
by Chen Xin
A young girl was about to turn three and her mother had been trying to guess what she might want for a birthday present. One day she started talking to her husband about it. "Our precious daughter is turning three. She wants something but won't clearly say what it is. An adult has to take the initiative and ask her, or just know what she wants without asking. She couldn't have some king of mental block, could she?"
Her husband looked at her and said something fraught with meaning: "Don't worry, women are like that, not only when they're three, but even when they're thirty."
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35. Haircut
by Ba Li
A gentleman went to a barbershop for a haircut. The young girl shampooer, a new hire, had just put the towel around his neck when she took a look at his expression. "Oh, sir," she said, "you have such big eyes!"
With some difficulty the man was able to say, "It's not that my eyes are big. If you tighten this towel just a little bit more, I'll even be able to spit out my tongue!"
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36. The Boyfriend
by Childlike
Young Ling is a girl in her upper teens who is rather average looking. This spring she finally brought home a boy who was good-looking and treated her especially well. Surprisingly, though, her parents were quite cool towards him.
One evening after they'd finished dinner, everybody was sitting in the den watching television. The boyfriend went to the bathroom, and Ling's parents both took the opportunity to lean towards her and ask, "Tell the truth. How much did it cost you to rent that boyfriend?"
To get Chinese text by return email, send name of story to jimmahler1@yahoo.com
1. The Replacement
2. Proud Too Soon
3. Finishing Strokes
4. Self-Reliant
5. What's the Problem?
6. Payment
7. Washing Clothes
8. Gaffe after Gaffe
9. Wrong Step
10. Exchanging Thoughts
11. Send via Duck
12. Different Situation
13. Exactly Alike
14. After the Wedding
15. Grown-Up Son
16. Send to Friends
17. Who's the Parent
18. No Con
28. Thinks He's Clever
29. Mental Preparation
30. Who's Rich
31. Witness
32. Preparation
33. Not Miss a Trick
34. All the Same
35. Haircut
36. Boyfriend
19. Keep Laughing
20. Physics Phenomenon
21. Speak Plainly
22. Husband's Qualms
23. Gesture
24. How Describe You
25. Change Sentence
26. In Business
27. Unpaid Furlough
Chinese Stories in English
Jokes from 故事会 Stories Magazine, Page 3
Jokes 1 to 12 from July 2013, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, pp. 4-7
Jokes 13 to 24 from July 2016, 2nd Semimonthly Issue, pp. 4-7
Jokes 25 to 36 from August 2016, 1st Semimonthly Issue, pp. 4-7