Chinese Stories in English
9. Stupid Thief Stories
News Translations Published January through August 2015
1. Woman "Exposes" Lower Body to Beat Heat
2. Granny Falls Near Car in "Bump China" Scam
3. City Opens "Watermelon Poisoning" Drill
4. Drunk and Has E-Bike Stolen, Gets It Back
5. Identical Names Lead to Lawsuit
6. Lovers Make Fuss about Breaking Up
7. Man Steals Sausages for Mother-in-Law
8. Teacher Shortage in Rural Schools
Click here to see the Chinese text for these stories
1. Woman "Exposes" Lower Body by Road
Turns Out She was Cooling Herself Off
Reporter Xiao Jun, Trainee Luo Peixiao, Special Reporter Zhou Liuning, Dispatch to this paper.
"My God, why is this woman on the side of the road without any pants on?" In the early morning of the 21st, city resident Mr. Peng was passing by Number 1 Street along Liu-Shi Road when he saw a woman asleep there "exposing" the lower half of her body. On the one hand he was quite startled, but on the other he feared for her safety, so he kind-heartedly called the police on her behalf.
Soon thereafter an officer from the Pegasus Precinct rushed to the scene. As he neared the woman, he heard her snoring lightly. Actually, the woman was not "exposing" the lower half of her body as had been reported by Mr. Peng, the man who called the police. She was in fact wearing an ultra-short skirt which may have been "blown open" by the wind. Because her panties were flesh-colored, from far away it looked like she didn't have any pants on.
The officer went over and shook the woman awake. She was startled when she opened her eyes and saw the officer. "Have I broken a law?" she asked in a daze. The officer tried not to grimace when he heard that.
Exactly why was the woman lying on the side of the road in the middle of the night? The officer learned what had happened through questioning. The woman, A-Min (name changed), age 20, is an out-of-towner who came to Liuzhou looking for work and found a part-time job in a small restaurant on Liu-Shi Road.
That evening, the electric fan in the hostel where she was staying broke, and it was so hot that A-Min couldn't get to sleep no matter what she did, so she arranged to go out with a group of people from her home town. They went to a place with good air-conditioning to have a few drinks and chat. While chatting, she "spouted off" about how her hotel's fan didn't work. She thought that these close friends from her hometown would be able to "lend a hand", but believe it or not, none of her friends cared about her problem. This depressed her to no end.
When they had eaten and drunk their fill, each of the hometown friends paid their bill Dutch treat. A-Min was rather at a loss. She had thought to get a room in a better hotel to get some rest, but for one thing she didn't want to spend the money, and for another she might not have enough cash with her for a full night, so she put that idea aside. As she was walking back toward her hostel, she noticed a small roadside garden where it was rather cool, so she decided to sit down and relax for a bit. Before she knew it the relaxation, coupled with the fact that she's drunk too much, put her to sleep….
"Doing this sort of thing is really too dangerous. I don't even want to think about what would've happened if you'd run into a lawless criminal. And anyway, it's really unseemly for a young girl to sleep beside the road like this…." The officer's words immediately embarrassed A-Min. After thanking the officer, she quickly got moving back toward her hostel.
Liuzhou Evening News, 2015-07-23, p. 11
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2. Granny Falls Near Car, Gets Up, Claims Damages
Police Advise: "Bump the China"* is Illegal, Do Not on Any Account Defy the Law
Dispatch from Liuzhou to this paper (Reporter Li Kun'guang, Correspondent Ding Rui)
She lay down in front of a car and demanded compensation when she stood up. The farce played out at 1:00 yesterday afternoon at the Victory Shopping Center in Liuzhou's North Willow District, when an octogenarian granny tried a "bump the china"* to claim damages.
Out-of-towner Mr. Li was driving a car past the Victory Shopping Center. He was driving slowly because there were a lot of people, and immediately stopped when he saw an old lady in her 80s beside his car. Unexpectedly, the woman suddenly fell down in front of the car. Mr. Li got out of the car right away. He was surprised when the woman stood up by herself and blurted out, "You hit me. Give me hundreds of Yuan." Mr. Li suspected she was pulling a "bump the china" and dialed 122[, the traffic police emergency number].
A traffic policeman hurried to the scene and noted that the granny had not been injured and there were no marks on Mr. Li's car to indicate that anyone had been hit. Many bystanders said they knew the lady and that this wasn't the first time she had done this kind of thing. The officer made an initial judgment that this was a "bump the china" case and dialed110 [the police crime reporting line] to refer it to them for investigation.
Officers from the Victory Police Affairs Station of the Liuzhou City Public Affairs Bureau received the report and brought both parties back to the station. No matter what questions the officers asked, however, the old lady wasn't willing to reveal any personal information. She said only that the police don't handle matters fairly and that she needed to go to a hospital for an examination because her foot hurt. She was moving normally as far as the officers could see, though, so they explained to her: They could take her for an exam and if a problem was found, she could demand compensation from Mr. Li; but otherwise the examination expenses would all be her own responsibility. The old lady again stopped talking after the officers said that.
By 4 p.m., the old lady could no longer sit still and ended up revealing her name and address to the officers. Her last name is Zhang, and she lives in the Victory Community. The officers contacted her son and daughter and took her home right away.
Police advise that "bump the china" is an illegal activity. Even a minor case violates the Public Order Management and Punishments Law and police have the right [to place a violator in] civil detention; more serious cases violate the Criminal Law and will be looked into as matters of criminal responsibility. Police warn city residents not to defy the law under any circumstances, or else you'll have to pay the heavy price of not being able to celebrate the New Year's at home. At the same time, Police remind those who have been victimized by a "bump the china" scam not to straightaway pay damages to avoid the hassle, because that would just encourage "bump the china" scammers. Instead, the first time [it occurs] you should opt to call the Police to handle the matter.
*["Bump the china" is a fraudulent or extortive claim for compensation. The term refers to the practice of some shop owners putting easily broken items in places where customers are sure to bump into them.]
South China Daily, 2015-02-17, p. 6
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3. Study of Patient Treatment Opened
City Opens "Watermelon Poisoning" Drill
Trainee Reporter Li Xinqi, Dispatch to the Evening News
On the morning of the 23rd, the Municipal Food Safety Commission Office carried out a "2015 Liuzhou Food Safety Incident Level Ⅲ Emergency Desktop Maneuver" with 17 case examples of city residents who had suffered organophosphate poisoning due to eating watermelon. Five aspects were drilled: Incident Occurrence and Reporting; First-Stage Management and Response; Emergency Management and Investigation; Emerging Public Opinion and Incident Evolution; and End Response and Final-Stage Management.
In the scenario set up for the drill, a city hospital had admitted 17 patients from a nearby district in separate incidents. The patients presented with dizziness, vertigo, nausea, chest tightness, vomiting and other symptoms in varying degrees of severity. All these patients' symptoms were diagnosed as organophosphate poisoning. The hospital reported this situation to the Municipal Health Planning Commission, and the Commission promptly reported the relevant circumstances to the Municipal Food Safety Office.
Personnel from the Food and Drug Regulatory Department and the Municipal Center for Disease Control went to the hospital to investigate. The investigation confirmed that all patients with symptoms of poisoning had eaten watermelon recently purchased from a certain stall in the same food market, and also confirmed that all of them suffered from organophosphate poisoning. Due to the seriousness of the situation, the city government immediately announced the initiation of a Liuzhou Food Safety Incident Level Ⅲ Emergency Response and promptly set up a relatively large Food Safety Emergency Response Headquarters. The Municipal Food and Drug Administration, the Municipal Public Security Bureau, the Municipal Bureau of Agriculture and other departments formed a Joint Investigation Team and proceeded to the watermelon stand in the market where the incidents occurred to open an appropriate investigation. A preliminary investigation for agricultural chemicals at the scene with quick-test equipment showed that chemical residues in excess of allowances remained in the watermelons sold at this stand.
According to sources at the scene, this batch of watermelon at this stand was purchased from a distributor in a wholesale market in our city. The municipal government issued a warning advising the public to stop eating watermelon for the time being, and watermelon at fruit vendors citywide was sampled and quick-tested. After evaluation, this "food safety incident" was essentially resolved properly. The food safety incident warning was lifted, and the food safety incident grade Ⅲ response was terminated.
Liuzhou Evening News, 2015-07-25, p. 5
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4. Bummer! Gets Drunk and Has E-Bike Stolen
Far Out! Cop on Patrol Gets It Back
Reporter Kong Defang, Correspondent Liu Huimin, Dispatch to the Evening News
On the evening of the 8th, having had too much to drink, Mr. Hu sat down on the side of the road and fell asleep. As a result his electric scooter, which still had the key in it, was driven off by someone. At first he thought it was very bad luck, but in the end he had good luck. A policeman who came by on patrol quickly brought in a suspect and returned the scooter to him.
Shortly after 11 p.m. on the 8th, after he'd had some drinks at a friend's house, Mr. Hu was riding his e-scooter on his way back to Labao. When he got to the Good Omen Garden community on Peace Road, the alcohol hit him. He became momentarily dizzy and had to throw up twice. He then got off his scooter and sat down on the side of the road to rest, without even putting the lock on the scooter. Eventually, as could be expected, he foolishly fell asleep on the roadside.
As he was passing by on patrol, a police officer from the Check Point Brigade of the City Patrol Detachment saw Mr. Hu sleeping beside the road, so he got off his vehicle to see what the matter was. Mr. Hu woke up and noticed that his red Fushida e-scooter had flown the coop. When the officer learned that the thief had probably not gone very far, he immediately got on the road to look for him. At the intersection of Peace Road and Dragon Station Road he found a suspicious male who happened to be riding a red Fushida e-scooter. The officer immediately stopped him for questioning and discovered that he was indeed the suspected thief.
Investigation revealed that the man, a Mr. Liang, 47, from Willow River County, had come to Liuzhou looking for work. On January 15 of last year, he had spent 10 days in jail for thievery. This time, when he saw that Mr. Hu had not locked his scooter, he had been overcome by temptation. He was getting ready to drive the scooter back to Form Groups Town [in Willow River County] that very evening when he was unexpectedly caught red-handed by the officer.
Liuzhou Evening News, 2015-01-10, p. 3
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5. Identical Names Lead to Unfortunate Suit
Judge Mediates with Erroneous Payee
Resolves Knotty Problem for Return of Award
Correspondent Tan Xiaofeng, Reporter Li Lan, Dispatch to the Evening News
In everyday life, people who have the same first and last names [as someone else] are not in the minority. Recently, though, Young Wei of Willow River County stirred up a bunch of trouble, including a lawsuit, because of a same-name problem. On July 30, the Three Cities People's Court of Willow River County initiated mediation in a dispute where the same first and last names had led an insurance company into paying compensation erroneously.
On December 10, 2013, the insurance company processed [a claim for] major medical relief compensation [filed by someone we'll call] Old Wei, who lives in Hundred Friends Town in Willow River County. Due to negligence in its work, the insurance company did not check the details when the funds were transferred. It mistakenly transferred the 15,000 Yuan award to someone with the same first and last name as Old Wei, [namely the person we're calling] Young Wei, who lives in Willow River County's Rich Soil Town.
The insurance company thereafter discovered the payment error and immediately got in touch with Young Wei to demand return of the 1,500 Yuan erroneously deposited into his bank account. Young Wei steadfastly refused to refund it. On April 27 of this year the insurance company filed suit to recover the compensatory award that had been paid by clerical error. It argued that the 10,000-plus [sic] Yuan in insurance compensation received by Young Wei constituted unjust enrichment which the law required be returned.
While reading through the case materials, the presiding judge found that Young Wei having the same first and last name as the actual insured party, Old Wei of Hundred Friends Town in Willow River County, was not the only reason the insurance company had made the mistaken compensation payment. Young Wei was also [in the process of] settling the same type of insurance claim. The insurance company's inadvertence caused [the two claims to be mixed up]. Because the amount of the settlement in Young Wei's claim did not differ much from 15,000 Yuan, after receiving of the 10,000-plus Yuan transfer from the insurance company, he withdrew the money from the bank and spent it, thinking all along that it was his own award.
The judge also came to understand that Young Wei [had continued to] believe it was his award, and thus had no reason to return it even after he received a telephone call from the insurance company. That's why he steadfastly ignored the insurance company's demands for a refund. In addition, Young Wei was worried that once he returned the 10,000-plus Yuan, the insurance company would not settle his claim. After learning of Young Wei's concerns, the judge went to the insurance company specifically to initiate an investigation. The insurance company, in checking all its materials related to settlement claims, did not find the materials submitted by Young Wei. Regarding Young Wei's concerns, the insurance company indicated that he need only provide the relevant materials and it would proceed with the settlement.
How could they not have his materials? The judge was rather surprised and again contacted Young Wei. In the process of helping him comb through the materials he had submitted for the insurance settlement, they discovered that a procedural error Young Wei had made when he sent in a portion of the settlement materials, which had resulted in the materials not being given to the insurance company. This was the reason Young Wei had never received [his own] settlement.
Young Wei straightened out all the circumstances surrounding the matter with the judge's assistance. On his own initiative, he then refunded to the insurance company the 15,000 Yuan settlement that the insurance company had mistakenly paid him. Also, the insurance company indicated that it would help Young Wei get his settlement claim taken care of as quickly as possible. In this manner, an unfortunate lawsuit resulting from identical names and negligence at work was efficiently resolved.
Liuzhou Evening News, 2015-08-01, p. 7
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6. Lovers Make Fuss about Breaking Up
Woman Tries to Commit Suicide
Trainee Reporter Ye Louting, Correspondent Wei Min, dispatch to the Evening News
Everyone says impulses are the devil.
They sure are. In the early hours of yesterday morning, a Miss Li unexpectedly ran into the middle of the road twice, seeking to commit suicide. She was momentarily depressed over a trifling quarrel with her boyfriend.
The incident had started that afternoon. Miss Li made a date with a co-worker to go out for a late-night snack. She was happy when she went out to meet him. In the evening, the two of them sat down for their meal together at a snack stall near a community on Aviation Silver Road.
Miss Li's boyfriend, Mr. Huang, was not with them.
At 2:00 a.m., after the couple had had three rounds of drinks, Mr. Huang heard where they were and went there. He saw his girlfriend alone with another man. They reeked of alcohol. With a heart full of feelings of betrayal and anger, he brandished a knife and moved toward the snack stand. After a moment of confusion, Miss Li realized what was happening and quickly grabbed on to Mr. Huang to calm him down while she explained. At this time Mr. Huang ceased his threatening behavior. He turned to Miss Li and suggested that they should break up. The "war" involving three people turned into a quarrel between two.
Someone in the crowd of onlookers called the police. An officer from the Aviation Silver Police Affairs Kiosk was the first to arrive at the scene and immediately separated the two. However, while the officer was questioning Mr. Huang about the relevant issues, Miss Li suddenly lost control of her emotions and started crying loudly. Before long she ignored the officer's warnings and ran straight into the middle of the road, yelling as she ran, "I hope I get hit by a car and die!" Grasping the situation, the officer immediately caught up with Miss Li and pulled her back to the side of the road.
Mr. Huang had still not gotten over his anger, however. He saw his girlfriend's excessive behavior but did not try to discourage her. Instead, he shouted at her, "Go ahead and die, and be quick about it!" Miss Li, who had been pulled back from danger, started crying even more powerfully. She became more and more agitated and, while the officer wasn't looking, once again ran toward the middle of the road. The officer pulled her back just in time.
Through police mediation, Miss Li and Mr. Huang gradually calmed down.
Liuzhou Evening News, 2015-08-01, p. 7
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7. Steals Sausages to Curry Favor with Future Mother-in-Law
Spur of the Moment Act, Hadn't Brought Bag,
Caught Trying to Slip Away with Links Wrapped around Waist
Reporter Xiao Jun, Trainee Xu Zimo, Special Reporter Zhou Liuning – Dispatch to the Evening News
Mr. Gu, 30-something, had already served time for thievery. This time his proclivities resurfaced in an attempt to curry favor with his future mother-in-law. He stole sausages that someone had hung out on their balcony to dry in the sun.
Mr. Gu had matured when he got out of prison. He'd decided to get an honest job, find a girlfriend and start a family. Heaven blessed him and allowed him to meet Bamboo (a pseudonym). She's a country lass, young and pure, and under Mr. Gu's relentless attentions she became his girlfriend. Not long ago she happened to mention to him that her parents' birthdays were coming up.
Mr. Gu viewed that as a really great opportunity to score some points, one he couldn't pass up. He offered to go with her to her family's home.
Since this would be his first time to meet her parents, and since New Year's was approaching, it really wouldn't do to go there empty handed, so Mr. Gu decided to bring along some gifts to make a good impression on his future mother-in-law. But he hadn't been out of prison for long and didn't have much in the way of savings, so where would he get these gifts? He thought long and hard, and worried over the problem for several days, but couldn't come up with any good ideas.
Then one evening as it was getting dark, and he was at his wit's end, he had strolled to a certain community on Butterfly Mountain Road when the sight of someone's sausages hanging on their balcony flashed before his eyes. If he could take these sausages and give them to his future in-laws, and say he had made them, he could present himself as being a respectful and talented person that they needn't worry about....
With these thoughts in mind, Mr. Gu waited until no one was around, then snatched up the sausages as quickly and efficiently as you could count to three on an abacus. But since he committed this crime on the spur of the moment, he hadn't brought a bag with him. Where could he put the sausages? Right away Mr. Gu had a clever idea, so clever he had to pat himself on the back for his brilliance.
"Hey, stop! Stop right there!" Just as Mr. Gu was walking out of the community with the hidden sausages, the security guard shouted at him to halt. It turns out the guard had felt Mr. Gu was a stranger when he entered the community and had therefore taken special note of him. How could this fellow, who he had seen as a skinny little guy when he entered the community, have changed into a fat man with a big belly on his way out? The guard thereupon stopped Mr. Gu and told him to open his jacket for inspection.
Afraid of being caught, Mr. Gu wouldn't open his jacket for the life of him. The security guard eventually dialed the police department's crime reporting line.
Constable Pang, the officer assigned to the community from Honor the Army Precinct, rushed to the scene. As soon as Mr. Gu opened his jacket, everyone started laughing: They couldn't believe that strand upon strand of sausages was wrapped around his waist! Mr. Gu admitted his crime, but he insisted to the officer that it really hadn't been premeditated. He had just wanted to get in good with his girlfriend's parents. He hoped the officer would let him go and please not tell his girlfriend, Bamboo.
Mr. Gu's remonstrations left Officer Pang not knowing whether to laugh or cry. He told him that stealing things was criminal behavior no matter what the motive. In the end, Mr. Gu was legally placed in criminal detention on suspicion of theft.
Liuzhou Evening News, 2015-01-18, p. 4
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8. If Teaching Staffs Can't Be Maintained,
How Can Rural Schools Continue?
by Li Wenming
Our main school is located in a remote town. It has two primary schools and ten teacher training points under its jurisdiction, with more than nine hundred students and over fifty teachers in all.
Ten years ago, our main school had more than a thousand students and over eighty teachers. Later the number of students in our school declined somewhat because the number of school-age children grew smaller and some students attended school in the city since they went with parents who left the area on business or for work. The extent of the decline in the number of teachers, however, exceeds the extent of the decline in students.
These last few years, in our main school two or three teachers have retired due to age every year. In just over a decade, there have been nearly thirty teacher retirements. Although the Department of Education recruited a few young teachers through open competitions, they only allocated four of them to us over that decade, just one every three years on average. Not to mention that, due to our remote location and harsh conditions, the four teachers allocated to us all transferred to the city within two or three years. Several of the relatively young teachers originally on our staff also used various connections to get transfers to schools in the city.
When teachers leave without new ones being added, it's not only the quantity of teachers that can't be guaranteed. There's also no way to supplement the system with fresh blood. Serious calcification and aging appear in the ranks of the teachers. Problems associated with teacher shortages have already emerged and will last for many years.
Many schools can't operate normally because there aren't enough teachers. We had to allocate funds to hire substitute teachers, but the funding was too low. It's impossible to hire quality teachers on a monthly salary of seven or eight hundred Yuan [$117 – $133]. In spite of this, regulations from above do not permit disbursing the seven or eight hundred dollars per month for substitute teacher costs from appropriations funding. And since the school has no other avenues to bring in money, this substantially worsens an administrative budget that was already tight.
How can you talk about education if the teaching staff can't be maintained? I've been to some rural areas who's situation is similar to ours. They're in a state where they're just managing to keep things going. They're doing well if they can somehow start cultural studies classes and avoid on-campus student accidents. They can't even begin to think about quality, well-rounded education.
I sincerely hope the powers that be can put balanced development of education on a solid footing; supplement the teaching staffs at schools in rural areas, especially remote schools, as quickly as possible; and introduce preferential policies so that teachers in rural schools can be retained and do their jobs well. Only in this way will there be any hope for education and for the children in rural areas.
Article Source: Shijiazhuang [Hebei] News Net
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9. The Newest Thieves' Shockers
Text by Wang Li
As the saying goes, a thief is a thief. They're hated by everyone, and when they show themselves in public, like rats running across the road, everyone yells "Get 'em." Nothing they do makes people happy, really, but recently some incidents involving thieves have made people burst out in laughter, consummately delighted.
Stinky Feet
From the Shenzhen Evening News: "A man took off his shoes on the way into a room at night to commit a burglary. His feet stank and the permeating odor woke up the resident. He was hauled away under arrest."
Ms. Wang, whose family is from South Minquan County, is into long-distance running. On the evening of the 18th, she fell soundly asleep after a run. In the middle of the night she smelled a foul odor, which got thicker and thicker until it woke her up. When she was fully awake, she found that she'd been burglarized, and the odor of stinky feet lingered in the air. She yelled "Catch the thief" at the top of her lungs. After the thief was arrested, he said he hadn't washed his feet for several days. He had taken off his shoes because he was afraid of making noise.
A Dollop of Laughter
Financial Network Life: "A thief watching a TV comedy while hiding under a bed was arrested when he laughed out loud."
Ms. Zhang Hua (not her real name) lives alone in Liangping County, Chongqing. She came home late one evening and, after watching TV for over half an hour, suddenly heard laughter coming from under her bed. It turned out to be a thief hiding there. He'd been watching a dialect comedy along with Ms. Zhang and had gotten so into it that he couldn't help laughing. He covered his mouth tightly, but Ms. Zhang still heard him.
Napping Too Long
Jining Public Security, Central District: "After staying up late surfing the net, a thief fell asleep during the burglary."
The victim came home and found indications that someone had rifled through his living room. The doors of a cabinet had been left open. When he entered the bedroom, he saw a strange man curled up on the bed, sleeping sweetly and even snoring. The victim called the police right away. When an officer arrived on the scene shortly thereafter, the man was still sleeping like a rock. The officer had to shout to wake him up to take him back to the precinct. The man, a Mr. Liu, confessed that he'd spent the entire night before surfing the net in an Internet cafe, and was just too sleepy.
No Vision
Eat, Drink and Be Merry in Melbourne: "Thieves stole a vicious bird."
They say this wasn't the first time Zoo Australia has had something stolen. There have been penguins, and monkeys, and someone even took an elderly koala…. This time, a gang of thieves actually sucked it in and dragged a 50 kilo female emu (they weren't able to score a male) across two lines of electric net fences and got away.... The Zoo Director said that if you're going to steal something, you should steal something valuable.... This emu is grumpy, violent by nature, not good to eat, and not! worth! a cent!
A Man with an "Alternative Inspiration"
Yuhang, a thief, carries "inspirational" notes with him: "Keep your eyes on the prize, and this year the goal is 250,000 Yuan"; "Being kind to others is being cruel to yourself"; and "Save every penny, and steal all kinds of things". He explains that he's been disfigured since childhood from being burned while setting off fireworks, and doesn't have a girlfriend. He wants to get hold of money for hair implants and plastic surgery, and then find a wife, so he uses this method to motivate himself to be "courageous and competent".
The Most "Kind-Hearted"
A radio news broadcast in Xiangyang: "A thief disparaged a homeowner for being too poor and urged her to work hard to make money. He was captured in the middle of his sermon."
"You need to work hard to make money! How can you live in such poverty?" A thief in Nanchang entered a room at night with a knife and tools to commit a burglary. He found that the female homeowner was penniless, as if everything had been washed away in a flood. Surprisingly, he started to "educate" her with "hard words and good intentions". Just as he was really getting into the lecture, her fellow homeowners from the surrounding area rushed in and took the thief into custody on the spot.
The Most "Rigorous"
A certain report: "A Post-90s* thief recorded plans for his thefts in a book."
Recently Little Ma, a man from the city of Fenghua in Zhejiang Province, was arrested while perpetrating a theft. In a search of his residence the police found a10-Yuan self-help publication, "The Psychology of Being a Man". The notebook was filled with handwritten strategies for criminal acts. "Tonight, dressed in a black shirt and white trousers, wrapped in a scarf, wearing a hat, carrying a knife and, if allowed, a sword as well." "Tonight I definitely need to get my hands on some money. Otherwise I'll have no food to eat until I faint from hunger...."
Recommended by Tian Zezi
*[A 'Post-90s' is a person born in or after 1990 – Fannyi]
Chinese text available here.